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When I was about five years old, give or take, the family was out for a drive somewhere. The topic of Sasquatches came up because I believe there was a bike race or music festival of some sort aptly named after the creature in our itinerary.

I didn’t know what a Sasquatch was, so I asked. I wish I never asked. I wish I never learned about the creepy, giant, hairy, man-beasts that lurked in the forests.

Instantly, I feared that these beings not only lived far away in forests, but in fact that there was one who lived under the basement stairs. Little did mom know, it was the highest form of punishment to ask me to go fetch something from down in the basement.  It took years to get over the fear of a big, hairy Sasquatch arm potentially reaching between the wooden frames of the wall next to the staircase. In fact, I think I was a teenager when dad actually put the wall up and finished the basement. That helped a little bit.

I still to this day, get rather squeamish when anyone brings up tales of the mythical beast in the wood. Sasquatches are creepy. I’d really rather not think about it. Ignorance is bliss.

The other day, while walking past the miniature train in the park, I saw this set-up:

There was a whole Sasquatch-themed operation going on in the park. In the heavily wooded park. A Sasquatch village.  They had plywood cutouts of Sasquatches, they had t-shirts, they even had a puppet show! The miniature train drove through the forest, which likely would have had a man in a yeti-suit jump out and scare all the kids on the train.

My statement is simple: I ask you, what is the target audience for such a set-up? God knows I won’t be bringing my kids there! What the hell were they thinking while putting this together? Did it not occur to a single person that this might terrify children?

I’ll tell you how it would go if my kids noticed that there was a train there. “Mommy, mommy, can we go on the train?” (Except repeating the request about a million times in the whiniest little voices they could muster.)

What I think—>No, you can’t go on the damned train! That train will give you nightmares, which needless to say, don’t have any effect on your energy levels the next morning. Mommy doesn’t get a nap time to recover from the Sasquatch nightmares that will keep you up all night for the next seven f*cking years.

What I say —>”No. Keep walking.”

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